seeking moments

Lately I have been struggling with self-care. I often let myself and my body down by not providing it with the proper care and love and nourishment that it deserves and craves. I often find that I am just unable to gather the motivation and strength to dedicate a few moments to bring myself joy. I am unable to be satisfied with my presence alone, and I have a hard time validating my existence without another person beside me.

I grew up as an only child, which often meant spending long periods of time without seeing other people other than my parents. My fear of loneliness bled into every aspect of my life, starting from the discomfort and fear of being alone to the desperate desire of wanting other people to like me so I wouldn’t have to spend long periods of time alone with my thoughts.

After moving back home with my parents, I have been spending a lot more time secluded from my friends and taking more time to explore my interests and understanding myself better. Before moving home, I lived with my significant other and we were around each other constantly. The qualm about being in a long-term relationship with someone is that you get so used to being with another person, you forget how to spend time by yourself and appreciate your own existence.

Spending time alone from everyone else has had its moments of clarity and appreciation that I have not had before. I see my friends quite infrequently and now have a greater appreciation for the time and energy it takes to make time for another person and accept them into your space.

Though I will not lie and say that spending time alone has been absolute bliss of clarity. Spending time alone has also brought on a lot of frustrations, insecurities and moments of absolute sadness that the pandemic has only intensified. Finding new ways to regain peace within myself without external help has been difficult, but it’s time for me to stop depending on others for my sadness and to find ways to relieve and breakthrough my pain.

After moving home, I’ve been watching the sunsets more. It’s something that I wish I had done more often when I lived in a beautiful city a moment away from the iconic flatirons. I’ve been thinking about how the days go by and nothing lasts forever, and how that is the natural order of life. I’ve taken more time to appreciate the sunsets and its beauty, and how it lasts for a moment, and when you look away its beauty is suddenly gone forever. The sun sets every single evening, giving a unique show every time, but only a portion of living things will give it its attention, and that is the beauty of life itself.

I saw a video earlier this week that brought me a lot of peace about how maybe life is more about appreciating moments, than the expectation of moments lasting forever. Maybe certain things in life are really only meant to last a moment, before going on to the next. In life we all wish for things to last forever and never want to let go, which is why we celebrate life beyond its passing, and try to preserve the things we love.

Maybe we should be appreciating the moments in life and allowing the memories to occupy a kind space in our minds and letting ourselves be free to new experiences and appreciating new moments. Our lives are so short and limiting ourselves of our experiences because we are unable to let go of moments that may be tarnished due to part selfish desire and part the inability to let go and be free of our experiences.

I believe that once we are willing to let go of things that we believe to be longer than moments, we will find a freedom and a new care with how we perceive life and begin to romanticize being alone and appreciating the present life instead of finding ourselves in hopeless situations. Finding comfort in being alone and being selfish with your time and your life is sometimes necessary in order for us to take the time that we need for ourselves.

Becoming a Plant Mom

Before quarantine started I only owned three house plants which honestly should not have counted because all three were tiny air plants that are hung up from the ceiling of my apartment and only two out of the three are actually alive.

I had always put myself into this story that I had a brown thumb because of how often and how easily I killed all of my plants growing up. I strayed away from purchasing houseplants for my current apartment because what was the point of getting plants if they were just going to perish under my care?

After the world came to a standstill and my interactions with other humans other than my partner became severely limited, I began to become obsessed with houseplants. Something about seeing someone’s home decorated with houseplants in every corner looked so comforting. Suddenly my Tik Tok and Instagram feeds were flooding with people’s homes filled with houseplants and giving tips on how to care for houseplants. That’s when I learned the first rule of plant parenting. Under-watering is always better than over-watering.

Say it with me.

Under-watering is always better than over-watering.

I decided that I would venture out to my local plant nursery and purchase a few plants to give my apartment some life that it desperately needed.

I purchased my first set of plants, a Pothos, a Peperomia, and a Praying Plant. Unfortunately, my Praying Plant died pretty quickly, but I believe it’s because my apartment was too dry and too hot for it to survive. My other plants on the other hand, absolutely thrived and have both been doing very well in how it looks and growth.

Seeing that I was able to keep 2/3 of my plants alive for more than two weeks I was encouraged enough to purchase more Pothos plants as they seemed nearly impossible to kill. Since that second trip to the plant nursery, it soon became a weekly occurrence.

I wound up making an appearance at my local plant nursery almost every single week, each time taking home at least one plant. I was so excited to watch my apartment slowly become a plant friendly atmosphere, and it gave me a new hobby. I also really love my local plant store because of how spacious it is and there are literally thousands of plants to select from. There are also a couple of koi ponds and a lovely parrot named Lindy who greets all of the plant lovers.

I now have two Air Plants, three different types of Pothos, a Peperomia, two Lucky bamboo stems, a Spider plant, two spider plant babies (that are being propagated in shot glasses because I have nothing else), a Snake plant, and finally my latest edition, my Monstera.

Although becoming a plant mom is a very new development for me, it makes me so excited to see my plants doing well and continuing to grow. I understand now that I never had a brown thumb growing up, I was just uneducated about how to care for certain plants and that each plant has different care instructions and personalities. It’s important to pay attention to what your plant likes in particular outside of the general care instructions.

This will likely not be the last time I write about my plants on this blog and I will likely be talking about care for specific plants in more depth in the future. I’m really excited about my plant journey and if I will be able to keep my plants alive throughout the year. I will keep you all updated on my plant journey.

A Fellow Crime Junkie

If you know me really well, you would know that I have an obsession with murder mysteries and crime documentaries and that my favorite movie genre is horror/thriller. Even though I am all-around anxious person, I am incredibly intrigued by murder mysteries and crime not because I enjoy getting scared, but because I am so interested in what triggers people into committing such heinous crimes and whether it was something that was pre-mediated or an act of passion.

A big reason why I actually became a Psychology major was so that I could better understand human behavior and in turn hopefully understand people who committed terrible acts. Unfortunately my college didn’t really offer the courses that I was hoping for, but my obsession over these topics still continue today.

Throughout quarantine I have been able to exhaust nearly every single murder/crime documentary on Netflix, and I have now grown fairly fond of a podcast called Crime Junkie, where every week there’s a new episode about murders, wanted people, missing people, conspiracies, etc. It is literally my crime heaven. Their website at crimejunkie.com also provides much more information about their episodes like maps and resources which makes the entire case much more interesting to get into. I love being able to follow along in the episode myself by exploring their website and doing a bit of digging myself.

This is the first time that I have actually been able to sit down and listen to a podcast and not get distracted by what is going on around me. If you’re like me and love crimes and are looking for a very immersive podcast to listen to then I highly recommend Crime Junkie where Ashley Flowers and Brit Prawat take you through emotionally chilling journeys and offer their own insights of the cases as well.

Learning to Love Yourself

One concept that I have struggled with for years is accepting myself for who I am, and finding love for myself without depending on the love of others to validate my existence.

But self love isn’t always about just loving yourself, it’s about being kind to your mind, body and spirit, by drinking enough water, giving your body the nutrients it needs to survive, and enlightening your soul with experiences and connections to the outside world.

Growing up, I was a people pleaser and I was always concerned on whether or not people liked me. I was always the quiet one in class, but I thought that my generosity would be able to get me far in life. I didn’t live my life to my authentic self but rather on the accord of others and I constantly kept finding myself miserable because I kept allowing my self-worth and value to be determined by external factors and the opinions of others.

I was miserable.

I kept telling myself throughout my teen years that I did love myself and I would try to learn how to love the parts of my body or my personality that I despised. However, again that soon became me picking out more flaws and me trying to fit body image types that were not meant for my body. It took me years to figure out how to be comfortable with my body and provide it with the nutrients it needs to survive.

I never had trouble falling in love with the people around me. I depended a lot of my existence on the presence of others and did not really step out to live my own life unless I was accompanied by someone else. Me falling in love with people did hurt me at the end of the day as I put my entire worth in the validation of others and only felt worthy if other people deemed me worthy.

I refused to accept who I am because I wanted to be recognized as a certain kind of person. I wanted people to perceive me in a certain way, which also resulted in friendships that were shallow and inauthentic and were not meant to last.

I was miserable.

What held me back for the majority of my life was the fear of being judged and the lack of self love and acceptance that I had for myself. I kept relying on other people when other people could not give me the love that I was trying so hard to look for. I had to learn that I needed to give it to myself before I could ever expect other people to return that love.

I also relied a lot on the fact that outdoor activities or any activity at all should not be done alone, and is also better with the company of others. While yes, some activities may be more exciting with other people, it’s okay to do things by yourself and have some time to just explore.

Life is so short, and it’s easy to get caught up in the midst of it. Do not allow yourself to fill your life with stories of “what ifs” and instead just go ahead and do what you need to do in order to better yourself and grow as a person. You do not need another person or another body in order to exist. I do not need another person in order to validate my experiences or validate my reasonings to spend time outdoors.

Self love looks differently for everyone, but the biggest component is to be able to spend some time with yourself, and reflect on your interests and who you are as a person, and to not be afraid to confront the ugly sides. My self love consists of regularly eating healthy meals, drinking plenty of water, doing things that make me happy, and finding comfort with being alone. Being comfortable with being alone has always been the hardest thing for me, but I am beginning to find the beauty in having experiences that are personal to me and no one else.

Hating yourself and beating yourself up on a consistent basis is such an easy thing to do because we can avoid responsibility for something. But learning to love yourself is such a difficult feat because you are forced to confront and learn more about yourself, and you have to learn to take responsibility for you and your life. Now I still struggle with this, it’s not easy, but it’s important to recognize that hating yourself is the easy way out, and loving yourself is hard, but more than worth the effort.

We Can No Longer Be Silent

This past week has been very heavy. I do not like to get political on my social media or blogs, but this is necessary. Words need to be said. A stance must be taken. Silence is no longer an option when our brothers and sisters are bleeding on the streets and dying for no reason. I cannot stay silent any longer as it only contributes to the systematic issue that plagues our nation and only benefits white men.

If you find yourself uncomfortable with what is happening at these protests and find yourself saying “not all cops” or “all lives matter” then you need to take a good look at your own privilege and realize that the color of your skin is what allows you to feel safe in your own neighborhood. Your SKIN COLOR is what allows you to benefit from society. All of the “good cops” are still bad cops. They are not standing up for what is right, they are not standing with the people, but against the people. They are much more willing to protect other cops and arrest over 4,400 people across the United States instead of the three cops in question. What does that say about our country?

The President of the United States has only further perpetrated the violence happening at the protests as he has continuously tweeted out “looting leads to shooting” and thanking the National Guard for shooting at protestors. Tr*mp’s language is incredibly detrimental to poc (people of color) as he is using violently charged language against a group of people that he has dubbed as “THUGS”. Why is a protest against a man’s death and acts of racism being handled this way? Whereas people hurting one another for toilet paper was completely acceptable? Why is the National Guard fighting against the citizens of United States and calling protestors domestic terrorists?

This is not a leader. This is a coward who cannot even face the people and instead sends out his own guards and “vicious dogs” at protestors and tweets about it from the White House. Where is the leader who will listen to the people and actually make changes in order to rectify the wrong that has transpired?

I am also finding that too many of my friends and sorority sisters are remaining silent throughout all of this. Where is your energy for when Notre Dame was burning down? Or for the Amazon forest? You were all preaching about staying safe for COVID-19 but remain silent when your brothers and sisters are bleeding on the streets. Why are you so silent? I am so disappointed in how the majority of you all are white, and cannot stand for those who need your voices.

George Floyd’s death marks a major turning point for the United States of America, and his death is only the very tip of the iceberg. We are all tired of this violence, we are tired of hearing black men and women and children dying for petty crimes that they did not even commit. Dying for being unarmed. Dying for following the law. Dying for petty theft that should not have resulted in that kind of tragedy.

I would like to take a moment to acknowledge just a few names out of hundreds, that need to be said.

George Floyd.
Breonna Taylor.
Ahmaud Arbery.
Sean Reed.
Tony McDade.

I have never seen protests become this violent, destructive or explosive in my life. But this is necessary for everyone to hear what is happening and see that the country is broken. I cannot physically go to the protests myself as I am immunocompromised and I am still wary of COVID-19, but hearing my friend’s stories and seeing videos and pictures has been completely insane.

We are angry, we are tired, we are heartbroken, but we will not stand for this violence any longer. We are taking a stand against the system that oppresses us, and against a government that no longer aligns with what the people want or believe.

This is where we take a stand against racism. This is where fellow white people protect our black friends and use their privilege to take a stand. Do not let this be a trend. Do not let this remain a moment, but rather a movement that catapults into a better future for everyone. One that is truly equal to all.

If you find that you do not feel comfortable going to protests or you are like me and are immunocompromised, there are other ways you can help take a stand. There is no reason to feel hopeless during all of this. When donating please ensure that you are donating directly to organizations created by BLM. **This is only a small amount of resources, and there is so much more across Instagram and Facebook and with a simple Google Search, I helped you begin your research, it’s your responsibility to do the rest.

DONATE:

If you’re in a financial position where you can donate, here is a webpage full of different websites and different causes to donate to: https://www.papermag.com/where-to-donate-protests-minneapolis-2646128317.html?rebelltitem=29#rebelltitem29

EDUCATE:

Education is always free, educate yourself on your privilege as a white man or woman, and learn how to become an ally for the Black Lives Matter movement.

How To Educate Yourself About Racism and White Privilege

SIGN PETITIONS:

Show your voice with signing petitions here is one super easy petition to sign to get you started: TEXT FLOYD TO 55156

VOTE:

Do not forget to exercise your right to vote! Especially this November!!! A link to register here: https://www.usa.gov/register-to-vote

TAKE A STAND FOR WHAT IS RIGHT AND CONDEMN RACISM.

Why Animal Crossing New Horizons is Better Than my Real Life

Well for starters, I can say with absolute certainty that no one has COVID-19 on my island so there’s that.

Animal Crossing New Horizons came out at literally the perfect time, and my purchase was worth every single penny. It has been over 70 days since the pandemic started, and there is still no indication as to when the pandemic will end. During the day, I often find myself gravitating closer to my Switch in order to play Animal Crossing for hours on end instead of dealing with the responsibilities of my real life.

With my real life having job demands and chores, and other responsibilities, it’s easy to try and avoid it all and escape to my virtual deserted island. My friends that I haven’t been able to see or hang out with during the pandemic I’ve been able to hang out with them virtually through Animal Crossing on our individual deserted islands.

Animal Crossing is such a cute game that allows players to fully customize their own unique experience. Animal Crossing’s characters all have different personalities and even the “worst” personalities are there to support you. Animal Crossing flourishes on positivity and it is hard to not find something new or interesting to do every day on your own little “deserted” island. Unlike other games, there is nothing “Bad” that can really happen to you, which is probably the biggest appeal of the game. Everything is mean to just kind of work out, it’s a slow-paced game, and allows for the player to have a chance to just experience what is happening around them.

With the pandemic making the future seem more uncertain than ever before and the news always hanging on pessimism, Animal Crossing brings hope to its players. There is a lot of comfort in that the days are usually predictable, and there is always some sort of reward for playing the game whether it is Nook Miles or extra bells or presents that fall from the sky every few minutes.

I am not trying to say that my real life is terrible, in fact I am quite fortunate for how I am doing during the pandemic and the opportunities that I still have. However with only depressing news on media networks and lack of socializing with close friends and family, I am having a hard time not catching myself in dark places or crying of frustration.

I’ve been playing Animal Crossing since I had my gamecube and was playing in the early 2000s. This was when I was also when I was about in elementary school so I barely understood how the game actually worked at the time. Now that I am older and have played other versions of Animal Crossing like Animal Crossing City Folk, the game has been so much more enjoyable and I’ve invested hours and hours into improving my island and actually getting to know my villagers.

Creativity Block

Does anyone else stare at their computer screen for hours wondering what to write? Or even not just writing, but just staring at a blank canvas wondering what to place on it. I find that my creativity has been severely disrupted by not being able to go outside and interact with others and my environment, and I am trying to find new ways to fuel my creativity.

Throughout quarantine, I knew that it was important to keep creativity in my life, especially since everything else has gone into chaos. Recently I saw a Tik Tok trend where people brought mirrors outside and took pictures outside with them. As soon as I saw this trend I fell in love with everyone’s results and wanted to figure out how to recreate my own outdoor mirror pictures. The park beside my apartment is also currently flooding with dandelions, so I found the perfect opportunity to go outside and take advantage of the scenery.

I thought this was such a unique and fun idea and a great way to play with different angles that I wasn’t used to. Dandelion stained jeans, and 200 pictures later, I was excited with the pictures I was getting, even if I wasn’t in love with all of them, it felt so good to play around with light and angles and have a creative purpose in a environment that I am not usually in.

Sometimes it really does take a new perspective in order to spark creativity and want to take on new ventures. While taking pictures I was reminded with how beautiful nature is and how anything can compliment well with it, and the importance of appreciating, preserving, and loving nature.

View this post on Instagram

sometimes all you need is a different perspective 🌼 pc: @newmoonb_tch #mirrorchallenge #mirroroutside

A post shared by minah webb (@minah.webb) on May 6, 2020 at 10:00am PDT

Here is one of the pictures my friend took of me, and I fell in love with the angles. Feel free to like and follow on my Instagram @ Minah.Webb

Nature is Exquisite

Every morning, the sun kisses the earth with its soft, warm light. With it, everything shines and is beautiful, without, darkness and mystery creeps onto the land. Earth and nature and its everlasting insistence of beauty, symmetry and awe reminds me how humans always try to mimic the beauty and complexity of nature, but we will never be able to quite capture it.

This is the 50th anniversary of earth, and it’s a celebration unlike previous years, with everyone stuck at home and unable to freely enjoy the outdoors, it seems almost fitting to have more appreciation for nature than in the past. This earth day I am celebrating that the earth is having a chance to heal from the mass pollution and recover from the scars that humans have inflicted onto the earth with everyone staying at home. Though the coronavirus is a terrible pandemic ravaging through communities, mother nature remains untouched, and stands over all of us, lasting beyond our lifetimes.

The natural landscape of Colorado and its raging mountains throughout the entire state is a picturesque dream. Stepping into nature is like stepping into an entire new world away from humans and others. Lately I keep teasing to my friends that I want to move away to a cabin in a the woods and never return. To surround myself in greenery and nature is something that is hard to achieve in cities and inside apartments and homes.

This earth day i encourage you to appreciate earth’s beauty and stand for the earth that you stand on. This earth does so much to accommodate a global ecosystem that is suitable for all life. The least that we can do is demonstrate our appreciation for the earth by reducing, reusing, recycling, and choosing eco-friendly options. Every day we all make choices that either help or hurt the planet, and it’s important to be mindful of the choices that we make, and to choose the options that benefit the planet and not greedy corporations.

We are all on this earth living together, we cohabit this entire planet and it’s important to remember to be kind to others, spread positivity, and make sustainable, good choices. Choose the candidates that have a sustainability plan, choose a reusable water bottle over plastic. Invest in the earth so that it can pay you back in its beauty and awe. We only have one planet, one mother nature that binds us all together, we should show her the true appreciation that she deserves.

[Photo of sunset taken in Scottsdale, Arizona with my iPhone]

Springtime Sadness

Yesterday I stood outside of my apartment taking in the warm sun rays and fresh air from the comfort of my porch. No one else was around me as I closed my eyes and took it all in. It then suddenly occurred to me that the first day of spring had already passed, and I have been so distracted with the other crazy things going on in my life.

The first day of spring was actually almost a couple weeks ago, starting on March 19. I have been so caught up on the recent news of the coronavirus and preparing for it that I haven’t even had a chance to be thankful for warmer weather ahead.

This past month was probably one of the longest months I have ever had to endure with the amount of stress, anxiety, and uncertainty that came with it. Everyone’s lives are different than they were a month ago, which is incredibly difficult to wrap my head around. I wish I could say that I am glad for March to be over, but April only brings similar promises as March, and may even continue to get worse in terms of how we handle the coronavirus in the United States.

Although things may not be going great on the outside, I am grateful for my current health and that I have my wonderful partner beside me during these stressful times. It’s really important to be able to take a step back from everything and relax, panicking is only going to substantially increase your anxiety. Everything will pass, including this virus.

A little over a year ago I was in the hospital being treated for sepsis. I was in the hospital for 10 days then spent an additional 6 weeks at home with my parents in my own quarantine. I wasn’t allowed to leave my house for fear of infection, and not many people visited me since my family lived far away from my university. This virus is just a reminder that if I could get through several weeks of isolation once, I can surely do it again.

During this time, you may feel pressured to be productive during quarantine and to show off quirky quarantine projects. This can make the days seem daunting with all of the work you may have to do. I just want to say that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and it’s okay to not be okay. We are experiencing something so unprecedented and it suddenly happened and uprooted all of our lives. It’s okay to take a step back and take some time to regroup.

Times are tough, and instead of focusing on everything that is going wrong, I am trying my hardest to remain positive. Although things are not ideal, I appreciate the little moments in my life where my friends and I have found new ways to interact virtually and appreciating my apartment and its amenities. I am grateful to also have a partner who loves me and takes care of me and helps out by going outside and getting us our groceries so I am not exposed.

Times are tough, but do not forget to appreciate the little things.

Subscribe to my blog for more weekly content, and follow me as I figure out this crazy thing called life.

The Comfort in Suffering

In life, it can be easy to fall back, get caught up in the little things, and compare your failures to other people’s successes. We often long to find our escape, and make ourselves feel better by living an alternative life online that is the best versions of ourselves. As a result, we have built this idea that a superfluous, extravagant life, is a perfect life. We have forgotten the importance of suffering, and making mistakes and facing challenges that help us grow as people.

Living in a developed country like the United States of America, is a privilege. We have commodities upon commodities to make our lives easier and more comfortable. We have developed gadgets to make mundane, difficult tasks easier with a click of a button. With the world full of luxuries such as convenience and availability, there’s a lot of unrealistic expectations as to what qualifies as a successful and fulfilling life.

We no longer care about being conservative with our possessions and can no longer be satisfied with the latest gadget. There’s always something better. There will always be a better phone, a better car, a better house, a better opportunity. Through this, we have become selfish with our needs and hurting those who may not have as many possessions due to a variety of circumstances.

We seek perfection, we seek beauty, we seek the perfect significant other, we seek the perfect home, the perfect family. Everything must be perfect, because it’s going to be on the internet for everyone to see. We have been uncomfortable with the idea of suffering because it equates to being far off from perfection, from being worthy enough.

We have stopped living for ourselves and have instead developed an audience to constantly broadcast our lives. We live lives that we think other people will like, and we no longer live the lives that we actually enjoy. We are all fooling ourselves with an alter ego that walks around living a perfect life when in reality, that is far from the truth. We are often too afraid to genuinely share the ugly sides of ourselves because that requires a level of vulnerability that we are not willing to express. If we are willing to share We will all continue to compare ourselves to one another until we are all just slightly different variations of one another.

So we continue to seek perfection, but the real question is who are we doing it for?

We have developed several platforms to share with our friends what we are up to, and in the end, we have ironically encountered a new problem with all of this connection.

Being alone.

We all log on to Instagram or Facebook, and we are bombarded with pictures of happy people doing amazing things on their new boat, or they just got their dream job, or they just moved into their first amazing house with their amazing partner, and amazing kids. Happy people in Europe, happy people just looking happy while eating avocado toast that is expertly placed and the cup in the corner turned at the perfect angle. But you just see happy people.

We are then reminded of our own loneliness, I mean, you can’t really be that busy or preoccupied with your life if you’re scrolling mindlessly through Instagram, are you? We are then instantly reminded of our projects that haven’t kicked off yet or the goals and dreams tha we haven’t achieve. We are then reminded that we are just not good enough and we have yet to acheive perfection.

We forget that being uncomfortable, or unhappy is a very natural feeling, and in fact, is required for growth. We did not grow as a society because we were comfortable taking a shit in the ground and covering it up with dirt. We knew that it was uncomfortable so we used that energy in order to find other ways to take a shit that wasn’t as unsanitary.

We are using the ease of convenience and commodity incorrectly by demanding for more and stewing in our own dissatisfaction and suffering. We are so caught up in our own lives and presenting ourselves in a certain way that we have almost forgotten to care about one another and ourselves. We get so caught up in our own dissatisfaction and suffering that we further bury ourselves in the hole and find ourselves battling depression and anxiety. We get so caught up in what we don’t have, that we forget that we are so lucky and privileged to have items that make our lives easier like iPhone’s and a toilet in the bathroom instead of the hole in the ground outside.

Suffering is natural and it is okay, and we should become once again comfortable with life’s discomforts. Being comfortable does not allow us to grow, and who would we be if we weren’t growing as individuals?