Nature is Exquisite

Every morning, the sun kisses the earth with its soft, warm light. With it, everything shines and is beautiful, without, darkness and mystery creeps onto the land. Earth and nature and its everlasting insistence of beauty, symmetry and awe reminds me how humans always try to mimic the beauty and complexity of nature, but we will never be able to quite capture it.

This is the 50th anniversary of earth, and it’s a celebration unlike previous years, with everyone stuck at home and unable to freely enjoy the outdoors, it seems almost fitting to have more appreciation for nature than in the past. This earth day I am celebrating that the earth is having a chance to heal from the mass pollution and recover from the scars that humans have inflicted onto the earth with everyone staying at home. Though the coronavirus is a terrible pandemic ravaging through communities, mother nature remains untouched, and stands over all of us, lasting beyond our lifetimes.

The natural landscape of Colorado and its raging mountains throughout the entire state is a picturesque dream. Stepping into nature is like stepping into an entire new world away from humans and others. Lately I keep teasing to my friends that I want to move away to a cabin in a the woods and never return. To surround myself in greenery and nature is something that is hard to achieve in cities and inside apartments and homes.

This earth day i encourage you to appreciate earth’s beauty and stand for the earth that you stand on. This earth does so much to accommodate a global ecosystem that is suitable for all life. The least that we can do is demonstrate our appreciation for the earth by reducing, reusing, recycling, and choosing eco-friendly options. Every day we all make choices that either help or hurt the planet, and it’s important to be mindful of the choices that we make, and to choose the options that benefit the planet and not greedy corporations.

We are all on this earth living together, we cohabit this entire planet and it’s important to remember to be kind to others, spread positivity, and make sustainable, good choices. Choose the candidates that have a sustainability plan, choose a reusable water bottle over plastic. Invest in the earth so that it can pay you back in its beauty and awe. We only have one planet, one mother nature that binds us all together, we should show her the true appreciation that she deserves.

[Photo of sunset taken in Scottsdale, Arizona with my iPhone]

a morning cocktail

My mornings are bound to a new ritual, a ritual that I did not really have a choice in. At four in the morning, every morning I awake to blood pressure cuffs around my legs as my arms are unusable. The machine lets out an angry beep, unpleased with my inaccurate blood pressure. Cold stethoscopes press onto my chest, back, stomach. Listening, listening for the beat that never comes, or for the beat that comes too frequently or not soon enough. At this point, the exhaustion takes over and I don’t even notice nor do I have the memory of nurses checking in on me.

Soft light enters the room as eight o’clock creeps up on me. I wake up to a new face, a face that may be familiar from a few mornings before, or sometimes a complete stranger, with their hands touching different parts of my body. Checking for vitals, checking for life, as if the wires attached to my body and the monitor displaying clear signs of life were not enough. Their icy cold stethoscope, why is it alway so cold? Rests on my chest, on my back, listening. Listening to the beat of my heart, the inconsistency so clear now. No longer was I paced, but I am right back where I was five years ago. They take their time, they have to be sure of the beats. The inconsistency scares me, I have never heard it myself, I have only witnessed the images on the monitors. I tease doctors about how it must be fun to listen to my heart, but I was always good at covering up my fears with humor.

Each morning starts with a cocktail of sorts, fun little pills to help me get through the day and get me discharged faster. I have been bound to the routine, even though I never wanted any of it. Who am I kidding, who would want any of this? A blood infection? A whole infection that makes your blood poisonous and deadly? Your own blood.

To be a prisoner in my own body. Shackled to a bed, with encouragement to walk free, but made difficult by the heavy weight in my chest, and the lack of energy to untangle myself from the monstrosity that took over my bed. I couldn’t gather enough energy or desire to get up and drag my anger around. Anger, a dirty word, that feels even dirtier inside. It sits heavy in my stomach and comes up as word vomit–angry, mean, regrettable. So many regrets the words I said, to the people who deserved it least. To the anger that sat inside of me and burst when I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Anger, so powerful, so destructive.

The anger is so heavy within, and I cannot figure out how to not be angry. The anger comes and goes in waves. Waves, I wish I could feel cold water rush across my skin, and smell the salty air. I can almost hear it, or maybe I’m confusing it for the wound vac. I crave to walk out of here on my own two feet, I crave to walk through the doors. Hopefully it’ll be today. Please let it be today.