Lately I have been struggling with self-care. I often let myself and my body down by not providing it with the proper care and love and nourishment that it deserves and craves. I often find that I am just unable to gather the motivation and strength to dedicate a few moments to bring myself joy. I am unable to be satisfied with my presence alone, and I have a hard time validating my existence without another person beside me.
I grew up as an only child, which often meant spending long periods of time without seeing other people other than my parents. My fear of loneliness bled into every aspect of my life, starting from the discomfort and fear of being alone to the desperate desire of wanting other people to like me so I wouldn’t have to spend long periods of time alone with my thoughts.
After moving back home with my parents, I have been spending a lot more time secluded from my friends and taking more time to explore my interests and understanding myself better. Before moving home, I lived with my significant other and we were around each other constantly. The qualm about being in a long-term relationship with someone is that you get so used to being with another person, you forget how to spend time by yourself and appreciate your own existence.
Spending time alone from everyone else has had its moments of clarity and appreciation that I have not had before. I see my friends quite infrequently and now have a greater appreciation for the time and energy it takes to make time for another person and accept them into your space.
Though I will not lie and say that spending time alone has been absolute bliss of clarity. Spending time alone has also brought on a lot of frustrations, insecurities and moments of absolute sadness that the pandemic has only intensified. Finding new ways to regain peace within myself without external help has been difficult, but it’s time for me to stop depending on others for my sadness and to find ways to relieve and breakthrough my pain.
After moving home, I’ve been watching the sunsets more. It’s something that I wish I had done more often when I lived in a beautiful city a moment away from the iconic flatirons. I’ve been thinking about how the days go by and nothing lasts forever, and how that is the natural order of life. I’ve taken more time to appreciate the sunsets and its beauty, and how it lasts for a moment, and when you look away its beauty is suddenly gone forever. The sun sets every single evening, giving a unique show every time, but only a portion of living things will give it its attention, and that is the beauty of life itself.
I saw a video earlier this week that brought me a lot of peace about how maybe life is more about appreciating moments, than the expectation of moments lasting forever. Maybe certain things in life are really only meant to last a moment, before going on to the next. In life we all wish for things to last forever and never want to let go, which is why we celebrate life beyond its passing, and try to preserve the things we love.
Maybe we should be appreciating the moments in life and allowing the memories to occupy a kind space in our minds and letting ourselves be free to new experiences and appreciating new moments. Our lives are so short and limiting ourselves of our experiences because we are unable to let go of moments that may be tarnished due to part selfish desire and part the inability to let go and be free of our experiences.
I believe that once we are willing to let go of things that we believe to be longer than moments, we will find a freedom and a new care with how we perceive life and begin to romanticize being alone and appreciating the present life instead of finding ourselves in hopeless situations. Finding comfort in being alone and being selfish with your time and your life is sometimes necessary in order for us to take the time that we need for ourselves.
MINAH WEBB 