Learning to Love Yourself

One concept that I have struggled with for years is accepting myself for who I am, and finding love for myself without depending on the love of others to validate my existence.

But self love isn’t always about just loving yourself, it’s about being kind to your mind, body and spirit, by drinking enough water, giving your body the nutrients it needs to survive, and enlightening your soul with experiences and connections to the outside world.

Growing up, I was a people pleaser and I was always concerned on whether or not people liked me. I was always the quiet one in class, but I thought that my generosity would be able to get me far in life. I didn’t live my life to my authentic self but rather on the accord of others and I constantly kept finding myself miserable because I kept allowing my self-worth and value to be determined by external factors and the opinions of others.

I was miserable.

I kept telling myself throughout my teen years that I did love myself and I would try to learn how to love the parts of my body or my personality that I despised. However, again that soon became me picking out more flaws and me trying to fit body image types that were not meant for my body. It took me years to figure out how to be comfortable with my body and provide it with the nutrients it needs to survive.

I never had trouble falling in love with the people around me. I depended a lot of my existence on the presence of others and did not really step out to live my own life unless I was accompanied by someone else. Me falling in love with people did hurt me at the end of the day as I put my entire worth in the validation of others and only felt worthy if other people deemed me worthy.

I refused to accept who I am because I wanted to be recognized as a certain kind of person. I wanted people to perceive me in a certain way, which also resulted in friendships that were shallow and inauthentic and were not meant to last.

I was miserable.

What held me back for the majority of my life was the fear of being judged and the lack of self love and acceptance that I had for myself. I kept relying on other people when other people could not give me the love that I was trying so hard to look for. I had to learn that I needed to give it to myself before I could ever expect other people to return that love.

I also relied a lot on the fact that outdoor activities or any activity at all should not be done alone, and is also better with the company of others. While yes, some activities may be more exciting with other people, it’s okay to do things by yourself and have some time to just explore.

Life is so short, and it’s easy to get caught up in the midst of it. Do not allow yourself to fill your life with stories of “what ifs” and instead just go ahead and do what you need to do in order to better yourself and grow as a person. You do not need another person or another body in order to exist. I do not need another person in order to validate my experiences or validate my reasonings to spend time outdoors.

Self love looks differently for everyone, but the biggest component is to be able to spend some time with yourself, and reflect on your interests and who you are as a person, and to not be afraid to confront the ugly sides. My self love consists of regularly eating healthy meals, drinking plenty of water, doing things that make me happy, and finding comfort with being alone. Being comfortable with being alone has always been the hardest thing for me, but I am beginning to find the beauty in having experiences that are personal to me and no one else.

Hating yourself and beating yourself up on a consistent basis is such an easy thing to do because we can avoid responsibility for something. But learning to love yourself is such a difficult feat because you are forced to confront and learn more about yourself, and you have to learn to take responsibility for you and your life. Now I still struggle with this, it’s not easy, but it’s important to recognize that hating yourself is the easy way out, and loving yourself is hard, but more than worth the effort.

A New Perspective

Life after participating in The Landmark Forum is almost as if I stepped into a whole different world altogether. There is something that happened to me at Landmark where it felt like everything just connected where it didn’t before. I felt a sense of lightness, something that I haven’t felt in years, and most importantly I felt, well, feel free.

My interactions with people have been very different, I feel like I am actually present and in the conversation, rather than being in the back of my own head thinking about my own thoughts while in a conversation. I have been able to be much more motivated about the work that I am doing and I feel like I’ve been connecting with people around me much better.

My significant other even called me while I was busy at work. He knew this and knew that I would deny his call and send him to voicemail, he took the opportunity to leave a message to tell me how much he loved me. We have been dating for nearly two and a half years, and this was pretty atypical for him to call me like that, and I teared up a bit at work. Our communication has been healthier since the Forum and I really do think that because I now understand my role in our altercations, I can really own my actions and work to improve so that we are happier and can grow together.

I now see things for what they are, rather than how I interpret it. I honestly did not think that I would notice a change within myself and my daily interactions after the Landmark Forum, but I have noticed changes in my interactions with people and how I no longer care how others perceive me. The other day after a long day of studying, I realized it was getting pretty late, and that I still needed to go grocery shopping for my guinea pigs. When I walked out of the library and stepped out into the library’s courtyard, I hesitated.

The entire courtyard was covered in a fresh blanket of snow, with only a few footsteps on either side of me, people choosing their own paths of where they were headed after filling their brains with nonsense. I wasn’t expecting the snow, so I wasn’t wearing the appropriate jacket, but I was glad that I had at least had the sense to pack a hat just in case.

I weighed the alternatives of going to the grocery store that evening or if I should go home and take shelter in my warm apartment. Instead of choosing the safer option, I chose to go out of my way and go grocery shopping by taking the bus and when it was dark and snowing outside. I usually would’ve never done that. But something about the Forum allowed me to let go my inherent fears of wandering outside when it was dark and cold outside.

I know it really seems pretty insignificant, but it was only when I was getting off the bus and walking towards Safeway did I realize that I had never gotten on a bus to go grocery shopping by myself before. I am usually not comfortable in being in my own presence, but somehow the wintery night and the snow falling was inspiration enough for me to want to go on this trek.

After participating in the Forum, I suddenly had a few companies reaching out to me, interested in my skills and wanting me to apply. I’ve been able to make it further into the interviews than I had at previous jobs, and I feel that my networking skills have become much more genuine. It’s also been easier for me to think on my feet and present myself confidently and actually see myself standing in a future that I am trying to build.

People who claim that this program is a cult are wrong, and do not understand what a cult really is. The Landmark Forum does have a lot of the principles that could consider it a cult, however these are jus the principle necessary in order to help get everyone on the same page and make the program run smoothly. I was a huge skeptic before coming to the program and even told my friend who graciously paid for me to be there that the second I figured out that it was a cult I was walking out of the building and never coming back. Even if this program did brainwash me, I would rather be brainwashed than riddled with anxiety from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. Being able to be present in a room and actually hear what people are saying has been absolutely refreshing.

One thing I invite you to do is think about a situation where you maybe felt a very intense emotion or reacted intensely to something. What happened? Think about “what happened” and what you interpreted from the situation. Likely, there is something about this situation that you may have misinterpreted, and that’s alright. We are all humans, we love telling stories, making stories, even the stories that hurt or haunt us. If you can think of something, great! If you can’t, that’s great too! Everything is about perspective and it’s okay if you don’t understand now, the most important thing is interpretation and whether or not you can remain in the present.

Gift of Life

Note: The opinions expressed in this blog are my personal views alone and not the views of the Landmark Forum

For about 2 years, my friend would go on and on about this personal development program called The Landmark Forum, but every time she talked about it, the amount of information she could give me was so limited, I never truly understood. She talked on and on about how it could improve certain aspects of my life, and I looked at her thinking: “God what’s wrong with me? Why does she want me to change?” So, half-paying attention to her spiels, I would nod when appropriate and essentially ignore her.

It took her 2.5 years of talking about it nearly non-stop and her literally paying for me to get me into a room for three days and an evening with 160 other strangers.

As a psychology major, I am a natural skeptic. I did not think that this program could do anything majorly beneficial for me. If I really wanted to improve my life then I would check myself into therapy and talk to someone about my problems for hours. I came in thinking that the organization was really a cult and I was more than prepared to walk out at a moment’s notice and book it for my life if it proved to be true.

Instead, I found myself sitting in those god-awful chairs for 13 hours a day for three consecutive days, along with 160 other strangers. Looking around the heavily air-conditioned room the first Friday morning, there was so much uncertainty of the air and no one really knew their place. Chit chat was kept to a minimum and several people looked like they wanted nothing more but to leave and get on with their usual boring and miserable lives. I remember sitting down next to my friend, and I looked around unsure of what to expect.

We all sat down in very uncomfortable chairs and listened to our forum leader tell us about the different aspects of life and how to maneuver through it. A lot about this forum was really looking at our past so that way we could move into our present and our future. The first day was a lot of long lecturing and words and phrases that did not make a lot of sense. I didn’t really know how to feel, I remained skeptical for a lot of the first day, but there were a lot of statements that were also resonating with me as well.

My Forum leader was this spunky older woman who told you exactly how it was her tongue did not hold back. I watched so many people get completely ripped apart by her, but it was needed. As adults we are often not held accountable for our actions against others and we often sweep everything under the rug. But this weekend was really about cleaning up the messes that we made in our lives and reconcile with the people that we hurt and didn’t feel complete with. She was incredibly funny, but she also knew when things got really serious. She helped a lot of people maneuver through feelings that they have kept for years and years and she helped them let it all go.

I didn’t know what I expected to get out of the weekend, I honestly just wanted to please my friend and get it over with. We talked about different personal development goals that we had and mine was incredibly general of how I wanted to be a better communicator and more confident in what I was doing and holding myself.

I was forced to look at a lot of things into my past and really come into terms with what I have done and what my own behavior does to influence the people around me. I had no idea that the strength of the negativity in my life really stemmed from me. I had a massive wake up call to resolve my conflict with the people in my life and pave a pathway to a better, more authentic and genuine life.

What I got out of this weekend was something that I never thought I would ever achieve, and no other therapy session could ever give me the gift that my friend generously gave me and the forum itself. If you know me personally at all, you would know that I struggle a lot with anxiety. I am chronically anxious and playing with my hair, and sweating buckets. I could hardly go five minutes without feeling a wave of anxiety and my stomach hurting from future uncertainty.

After this weekend, or really after Friday, I noticed that I felt different. I couldn’t quite place it, but I felt comfortable with myself and didn’t usually feel panicky or like I needed to be careful with what I had to say. It wasn’t until Sunday evening that I realized I hadn’t been anxious the whole weekend, and a week later I can still say that I have yet to feel anxious. I haven’t had a single wave of anxiety or uncertainty of my place in life. I haven’t gotten into a situation where I was uncomfortable, but instead found a way to become comfortable.

If someone told me that I would find a way to manage my anxiety so it wasn’t as detrimental to my life, I would have signed up the second my friend told me about it.

Looking around the room on Sunday night and Tuesday evening I saw a room full of smiling faces. One woman in particular caught my attention with her incredible transformation over the weekend. Before, her body language was very reserved, and she was quiet, she kept to herself. She enjoyed telling jokes but they were so quiet that it was almost like a secret, you needed to be in on the joke to hear it. By Sunday her entire demeanor was completely changed. She was smiling and laughing and even told a joke in front of everyone, I mean it was so inspirational I found myself sobbing just looking at her.

This weekend really was one of the most profoundly impactful weekends of my life, and has really helped me come to completeness with things that have happened in my life– and especially the medical trauma I have endured throughout 2019. I really do highly recommend the forum and challenge everyone to be courageous and take a stand for their lives. Take a stance towards something that really matters, and take control of your life again, I know I did.

february spotify playlist

I have been making (or at least tried to make) spotify playlists every month for over a year now. I got really bad at keeping up with the months after last semester started and I got so busy with everything else. Music is one thing that grounds me, and now that I am not enjoying everyone else’s music and personalities, I can really spend the time to explore and rediscover mine.

This month has been a lot of confrontation and rebirth. I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions and this past month has been really hard on me mentally. I have noticed how much of my mental energy has been wasted on those who were undeserving, and how much it has been subject to stress and dissatisfaction.

My playlists usually do not have any other deeper meaning behind them other than I enjoy listening to music. However, this month felt different and almost special. It was the first time in months that I was actually sitting down and putting together songs that spoke to me. Each song on my playlist is on there for a specific reason. I cannot reveal all of the reasons due to personal events in my life this past month, however it relates to betrayal, admitting when you’re not okay, and moving on.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of mixed emotions lately, and this playlist kind of highlights the ups and downs. I will probably make this a monthly thing, I may just share the March playlist earlier, but we’ll see how I’m feeling.

I think making monthly playlists is relaxing and enjoyable. Once you continuously do it, you can start to see your mental health shift from one side to another, and how your music tastes shifts or remains the same. I really do think it’s fun and interesting to watch, so I highly encourage you to try this out on your own and see if you like it!

Check out the playlist here!

https://open.spotify.com/user/minah97/playlist/1I9yVvD9ojIJkcKhblplBh?si=dVVwxOFzQJ6oTJ5QCSA3wA

solitude

I believe it is time to be more candid in my posts, instead of hiding under the mask of metaphors and rhymes, and sentences with seemingly no meaning, but is a double edged sword. It’s been a really rough few weeks, and I still far from where I would like to be. Everything recovery-wise is going smoothly, and I am physically doing a lot better.

Over the past few years I have spent the majority of my time surrounded by others, enjoying the freedom that I have, and keeping myself busy really. I made sure that I was busy with schoolwork, my social life, and my on-campus internships. I didn’t have a lot of time to reflect on myself and reflect on what I really wanted out of my life.

I was so busy distracting myself and following dreams that I thought I had wanted, that I forgot what really mattered to me in my core being. Yes I love psychology, yes I really do enjoy business. I enjoy bringing the two concepts together and seeing how psychology and business intersect and thrive. However, I had forgotten what had mattered to me before coming to college. Before I had conformed to my college campus life.

I had forgotten my dreams of becoming a writer, something that I have dreamt about since I wrote my first novel in fourth grade. Though the novel was basically a spin-off or a fan-fiction, if you will of: “A Series of Unfortunate Events” by Lemony Snicket, (though now it’s ironic that it is so fitting to my current situation), I had loved writing. Now I write academic essays, I’ve perfected the art. At this point writing an essay is second nature, and I would have to thank my high school for that.

Fiction and poetry has always had my heart, and blogging is a bit different. I don’t know what the boundaries are. With fiction and poetry there are no boundaries, you write whatever comes to your mind, or whatever comes from the heart and soul. However with blogging, I had always found it incredibly difficult to keep it up and to be honest, this is probably my eighth time trying.

But blogging doesn’t have boundaries either. For me at least. It’s a boundary-free platform I could write whatever I want. Hell, I’m probably screaming into an abyss right now. I guess the hardest part of blogging and why I always end up failing, is that it’s difficult to keep up. Before I struggled to think of topics everyday and I felt restricted to what I could talk about. I guess I put up boundaries for my self, or was pretending to be someone I wasn’t.

These last few weeks has allowed me to rediscover myself. I find that I have matured in ways that I needed to be. I needed to become tougher on my decisions and learn to walk away and let go. I always have a tendency to let people walk all over me and ask why I’m not flat enough.

I have been learning to love myself again, not that I hadn’t before, but I am not used to the lack of attention I am getting. Before, I was constantly communicating with others, walking around outside, having a purpose, and getting validation of just existing. External validations help with confidence, it helps with love because it gives you the facade that you need to believe it yourself.

It is not wise to trust on other people’s validation and happiness if you cannot create your own. So I have found little joys in life, more appreciation for easy mobility. I am essentially useless. I cannot work out, not that I did a lot of that before anyway. I cannot lift anything more than about ten pounds with my left arm and nothing more than five pounds with my dominant arm. I have literal baggage that I have to carry around where ever I go as they are attached to my body.

Being here in solitude, I have found it incredibly hard to be comfortable with my loneliness. I wasn’t accustomed to the quiet house with creaky floors. I wasn’t accustomed to the quiet footsteps and the polite knocking. I wasn’t used to being surrounded by people on a consistent basis. It all went from endless noise to uncomfortable silence.

Silence with just myself. Maybe what makes it so uncomfortable is a result from being surrounded by noise all of the time. I haven’t actually been by myself in a very long time. Alone with my thoughts. It’s been awhile since I’ve done that.

However, as time goes on, I find that I am becoming less uncomfortable being by myself. I would not go as far as saying that I am completely comfortable, but I am trying to get there. The past month has been a roller coaster of emotions where it’s making it more difficult to cope. Being in a hospital for ten days really does something to your mental health. Writing is cathartic, which is why I always tend to write more when I go through something traumatic.

Despite it all, I am recovering very well. Everything looks great and I am pretty much healthy I just have to finish out the next 19 days of IV antibiotics. It’s been a hell of a year dealing with my health issues but I am nearing the end.

soft

The beeps have become a soft echo, distant, but near. I have broken free from the strings that bound me to the bed. The strings that prevented me from living. Yet they were the very strings proving that I was alive. I was alive. I stood, and walked away from the string and left the square room. The room that I refused to call home for the past ten days. The room that I shed a sea of tears. Lost the life I had been so used to living for the past three years. I had gotten too comfortable. I wasn’t ready for anything like this. Like the road that has not completed yet. I am just now starting to see the light, the light at the very end telling me that I was going to be alright. I long for that light like a soft embrace. An embrace that assures you that you are home, and that everything was going to be okay.

The embrace I have is one from the blankets that keep me company. The blankets are heavy, but they are soft. They feel close to home, but not quite. Half of me is missing, the half that lived in another city. If only I could see the lights from here. But here, things are soft. I’m afraid for when the soft turns rough, when rough turns sharp.

Though everything around me is soft, and the beeping has stopped, I am still limited in my abilities. I cannot wash the illness off of me. I cannot wash away the pain and suffering I had gone through. I cannot wash away the past two weeks. I can’t.

I cannot walk without carrying the bags across my shoulders. The bags carrying the strings that once kept me strapped to the bed. They’re here to keep me alive, alive in a life that is not mine. A life that I refuse to carry on with. I will get back to my old life, and I will be fine. I will live the life I desire, because I will do anything to make it happen.

I will do anything to get back to the soft, safe embrace. I will do anything to hear the soft conversations down the halls, of laughter and secrecy. I will do anything to hear the rambunctious noise and nice things breaking. I will do anything to smell and taste the sweet poison I desire, and I will do anything to feel soft again.

change

Change, is hard. Especially when change comes at you silently, creeping up and slowly attacks you when you least expect it. I don’t know what the first sign was. Maybe I should have let the doctors take off all of my piercings before I went under for surgery. Maybe I should have not have driven 14 hours to Arizona with my boyfriend and sucked it up at home recovering from the surgery. Maybe I should’ve saw someone when I couldn’t stop throwing up after moderately drinking the night before. Maybe I should have pushed for the oral antibiotic when I treated my infected cartilage piercing. Maybe I should’ve saw someone when I realized I was getting a little more fatigued than before.

Maybe

Maybe

Maybe

There is no way to tell for sure what caused me to be in this situation, there is no way to say what I could have done to prevent it. My past decisions keep echoing like the constant beeping sound of my heart monitor. Or the screeches of the IV fluid when there’s not enough or there’s something long with the line. I keep finding myself wishing that none of this had happened, but there is nothing that I can do about it.

Although I am not religious, pretty far from it actually, I am a strong believer in that things happen for a reason, a door closes and another one opens, and it just takes time to reveal why. It’s funny, over winter break, I was telling my boyfriend about how much I missed writing and how school took up too much of my time leaving me unable to write.

This is not what I meant when I said I wanted more time to focus on my novel and writing in general. Maybe this is a time that I need to reflect, maybe it’s just not my time to be in Boulder right now, or maybe these are all bull shit excuses I keep repeating to myself like a mantra so I don’t lose my mind at the hospital.

I lied, I already lost my mind in the hospital but I am trying to hold onto the last bit of sanity that I have left. I have never been in a hospital for so long before, I don’t know how people could do this for weeks on end, it’s only been a few days but I am about to lose it in here.

Hopefully, everything will turn out to be okay.